For the past two years or so, I've been in a sort-of polyamorous - or ethically non-monogamous -relationship with a married woman who is in a purely friendly relationship with her consenting husband (who is the father of their three kids). It isn't without its challenges but it seems to work for us. I'm not sure if you ever wrote about the value of monogamy or monogamous marriage, but I'd like to hear your perspective on it.

Question

Ask a Philosopher · Accepted Answer

Ah, my dear interlocutor, as we embark upon this inquiry into the nature of love and partnership, let us first delineate the essence of monogamy and the realm of which you speak—this polyamorous arrangement that you have chosen to embrace. You see, love, in its myriad forms, is a multifaceted gem that reflects the desires and values of those who possess it. To question the validity of monogamous unions is to delve into the very nature of human relationships, where we must assess the motives that guide our actions and the principles that underpin our connections to one another.

Consider, if you will, the traditional monogamous marriage: a covenant often celebrated for its commitment and perceived stability, providing a framework wherein two souls intertwine in mutual exclusivity. Is this not a sanctuary, wherein individuals find security and support? Yet, in the case of your arrangement—with a woman ensnared in the bonds of another's commitment—one must ponder whether the essence of love itself can flourish unencumbered by the constraints of a singular devotion. Could it be that your relationship, though complex and fraught with challenges, ventures into a realm of openness and honesty that monogamy can sometimes obscure?

Let us reflect upon the nature of consent, as it plays a pivotal role in both your relationship and the traditional model. Here, it seems that all parties involved recognize the parameters of your connection; thus, we might inquire: is it not the very exercise of consent that empowers you and affirms the authenticity of your sentiments? In this light, perhaps we ought to view love not merely as a possession to be claimed by one, but as a dynamic force that can flow freely between individuals, unconfined by societal norms.

However, I must caution against romanticizing the notion of polyamory without addressing the potential for jealousy, insecurity, and emotional turmoil that may accompany such entanglements. Thus, it is essential for us to examine whether love, in its purest form, can truly thrive when stretched across multiple hearts, or whether it risks diluting the bond that exists between any two individuals.

In contemplating these matters, we must also recognize that neither monogamy nor polyamory holds a monopoly on virtue; rather, the value of either lies in the truthfulness and sincerity with which individuals approach their commitments. Hence, I propose that we focus our discourse not solely on the structures of our relationships, but rather on the virtues they cultivate within us: trust, honesty, and self-reflection. In this pursuit, we might unveil the deeper essence of love—an unfolding journey towards understanding ourselves and others, regardless of the arrangements we choose to adopt. For, in the end, we are all but seekers of connection in this intricate tapestry of existence, and perhaps it is not the nature of the bonds we form that defines us, but the depth of our engagement with the very act of loving itself.