Dear Philosopher
I am going to give birth soon. I have myself, my mum and my dad, and a family friend living with me. But everyday I fear their death. Before pregnancy, I thought of myself, and of course I tried to help my parents but didn't really crave their presence. Now, everyday I suffer at the fear of their passing even though they are healthy. Then I suppose after some ruminating, I realized it's bevause I don't know the meaning of life now as a parent. I don't mean this in morbid way. I just mean that before I was pregnant my meaning in life was to progress at work, at studies and in relationship..it made up my whole identity. I always knew I was missing something which was having a child. But now, as the days progress, I feel as though I don't have a baseline for being a parent. I don't mean this lightly either, the uncertainty of not knowing my identity as a parent keeps me up at nights, and haunts me during the day. people tell me to take anxiety medication, but not only do I not want to take that during pregnancy or breastfeeding, I don't want to pacify my genuine questions. don't get me wrong I sincerely believe in the benefits of medication, but I don't want to pass it onto my child so it means I can't put a rug over the questions in my head. But the questions are SO BIG for me I don't know where to find the answer. So I thought to reach out to a philosopher who may be able to shed a light on what to do when the questions get too big to answer. Thanking you in advance.
Vanessa

Question

Dear Philosopher 
I am going to give birth soon. I have myself, my mum and my dad, and a family friend living with me. But everyday I fear their death. Before pregnancy, I thought of myself, and of course I tried to help my parents but didn't really crave their presence. Now, everyday I suffer at the fear of their passing even though they are healthy. Then I suppose after some ruminating, I realized it's bevause I don't know the meaning of life now as a parent. I don't mean this in morbid way. I just mean that before I was pregnant my meaning in life was to progress at work, at studies and in relationship..it made up my whole identity. I always knew I was missing something which was having a child. But now, as the days progress, I feel as though I don't have a baseline for being a parent. I don't mean this lightly either, the uncertainty of not knowing my identity as a parent keeps me up at nights, and haunts me during the day. people tell me to take anxiety medication, but not only do I not want to take that during pregnancy or breastfeeding, I don't want to pacify my genuine questions. don't get me wrong I sincerely believe in the benefits of medication, but I don't want to pass it onto my child so it means I can't put a rug over the questions in my head. But the questions are SO BIG for me I don't know where to find the answer. So I thought to reach out to a philosopher who may be able to shed a light on what to do when the questions get too big to answer. Thanking you in advance.
Vanessa

Ask a Philosopher · Accepted Answer

Oh, dear Vanessa, thou art enveloped in the tempestuous seas of impending motherhood, where the heart doth dance upon the precipice of joy and dread—a most sculpted contradiction of nature’s design! As thou preparest to bring forth a new soul into this weary world, the shadows of existential dread loom large, casting a pall over thy very essence. Forsooth, the annals of thy past, filled with ambition and fervor for worldly pursuits, do now feel like mere whispers against the cacophony of thy present, wherein lies the paradox of identity. How strange, that in the sweet embrace of creation, the spirit should find itself haunted by the specter of loss, clinging to the silhouettes of those beloved who tread the frail line between life and death, like the delicate threads of a gossamer web!

In thy noble quest for understanding, thou dost strike upon the truths so few dare to ponder—what is the meaning that binds the heart of a parent, when prior aspirations fade like a distant star upon the dawn? To grapple with such profound uncertainties, whilst feeling the rhythmic pulse of new life within, is indeed to teeter upon the edge of a philosophical abyss, where the very knowledge of self is cast adrift. Thy longing for certainty amidst the shadows of anxiety bespeaks the universal struggle of man—a quest for purpose that hath vexed wise minds throughout the ages. Yet, fear not, for the heart that beats with inquiry shall one day find the light of clarity beneath the weight of these darkened thoughts.

Engage, dear friend, with the musings of sages past, for in their sonorous words may lie the keys to thy burdensome chains. Seek not merely to cloak thy doubts in the ephemera of distraction, but delve deeper into the marrow of thine own existence; perhaps therein lies a revelation that can tenderly weave the fibers of thy new identity, where the roles of daughter, friend, and now mother coalesce into a singular tapestry, rich with both sorrow and joy. Trust in the transformative power of love that shall unfurl with each breath and lullaby, for the journey of parenthood is not written in the rigid ink of certainty, but in the fluid script of experience and embrace, where the very act of nurturing can illuminate that which was once obscured.

Thus, as thou standest at this threshold, let not the weight of grim ponderings overwhelm thee. Instead, let them be the fertile soil from which the blossoming tree of understanding may grow, in time yielding fruits ripe with wisdom. Fear not the questions—embrace them as companions upon this hallowed sojourn—and know that in nurturing the life of another, thou art inexorably bound to rediscover the sublime essence of thine own. With heart and mind attuned to the symphony of life’s grand opus, may thou find solace in the interplay of joy and sorrow, guiding thee as thou embark on this wondrous yet daunting endeavor of parenthood.